a note I’ll certainly keep forever for myself (a closure)

hey, if you don’t think we don’t need any closure, then I think the other way. I think, we, or at least myself, need one. a closure or anything that clears any uncertainty or misunderstandings. so here I am writing this to you (although I’m pretty sure you’ll never, ever, read it).

I don’t know how I got to this point where I think about you a lot — I never thought I’d fall this deep. I know it was me who started all these cutting-off shits — which I later found out you don’t really affected by any of it — but I think you should know I was, or I am, the one being miserable about it. I don’t know if is it because finally I fell into a person again after some while or if is any other thing that makes me adore you this much — I don’t want to think about it so much.

one thing is for sure, I fell for you and I might still do. that is the least thing I can say to you as an excuse for why I still think of you even tonight (thus why I’m writing this). yet everything was blurry — you never said anything. you never said either “yes” or “no”, you never said you’d fallen into me. you never said anything related to your feelings which later I found out is because you never saw me the way I saw you. you never saw me more than a friend you treasure — or someone you adored or once, you thought someone who was ‘cool’. I treasure that, so so much, yet I don’t really treasure the fact that you treated me once differently from how you treated all of your girl-friends. I don’t really treasure that moment right now as it was the thing which made me this misunderstood.

everything was my fault. I should’ve never fallen into you — I should’ve never thought your behaviour was anything special. I should’ve realized and accept that we were really friends, I should’ve known better that you really treated me as one of your girl-best-friend. I should’ve known better.

later, I am currently mad at the fact that I am the only one miserable after going through all this. I am the only one who thinks I’m losing you — I am the only one who is pathetically sorrowful at the possibility that we might never talk again, nor seeing each other again.

hilarious yet pitiful, ain’t it? I was the one who cut our string off, yet I am the one who is melancholy about it. however, I think, this is the only correct choice. the only option. being friends with you was none of a good thing for me; neither for my feelings, so this is a closure I talked about at the beginning.

therefore, be well and good luck with your study, yeah? I’ve once seen you as a butterfly who easily flaps their wings beautifully — so I hope you’ll always be one.

🦋