looks like the thing I ask the most to my own self is:
“lu kenapa sih din?” and I don’t even know the answer. galau kah? kalo iya, gua juga tau he’s none of any great person buat gua galauin. jadi, gua kenapa? it’s not like he left me too — we were none of something deep that time. do I feel like I lost a great friend of mine? enggak juga. we weren’t even that close. jadi, sebenernya gua kenapa?
most of the time it feels like the cause of this is my abandonment issue. I was into him — which is a thing I don’t really treasure either — yet somehow it feels suffocating. gua gak terlalu pengen nyalahin dia — it was my problem after all, tapi gua jadi suka mikir emang dia gak sadar everything he did to me cause all these — emang dia gak mikir I have to fight my own self facing this? emang dia gak mikir? emang dia gak bisa kind enough just for one time nyamperin gua — and says that everything’s fine and I should be fine too?
I am mad. I am so mad at the fact these were all my fault — dan gua sendiri yang uring-uringan. gua benci banget fakta there was this one time gua ngerasa attached dan berharap sama dia — but he ended up leaving and never once look back to me. gua benci fakta gua masih harus berjuang dengan ngebenci diri sendiri setelah ngelaluin semua ini — gua benci fakta gua berkali-kali kesandung dan jatuh lagi karena hal ini. gua benci fakta I never learnt my lesson right. gua benci banget fakta at the end of the day, gua nyesel karena gua ngegantung harapan ke orang yang salah. gua benci fakta gua setiap saat wondering apakah bakal ketemu orang yang bisa gua percaya lagi.
it sucks, you know? it feels sucks buat sebenci itu sama diri — to the point nangis aja susah banget dan yang gua bisa rasain cuma seseknya. it feels sucks buat selalu ngerasa sendirian di penghujung hari — it feels like shit buat lagi-lagi sadar gua mungkin gak akan ketemu orang yang bisa gua jadiin rumah. it feels sucks buat lagi-lagi disadarin kalo semua ini kesalahan gua buat attached sama orang yang salah dan lagi-lagi ngerasa sendirian di dunia sebesar ini.
meeting you feels like hell. meeting you at your bestest phase feels so much like hell. again, I don’t wanna put the blame on you, but seeing you with the brightest side of yours — at the same time I fight my own urge to die — feels very much like hell. one more time, I don’t wanna put the blame on you — tapi gua merasa menyedihkan banget ngerasain segala hal rumit ini — sementara keadaan lu sebaik itu. kalo lu sebaik itu, harusnya gua juga kan? harusnya gua juga gak papa kan? harusnya gua gak merasa pengen mati cuma gara-gara ini kan?
if only you know everything happened between us became a trigger to my most vulnerable side and which is the main reason of my urge to die young…